u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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