Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
