So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
