She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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