I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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