No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize