Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
