well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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