I have demons in me.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
