every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
