Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
