Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
