textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We don't watch enough power rangers
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Ladies don't puke and tell
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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