I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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