i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
