I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Randomize