A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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