Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
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