I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
