She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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