Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Randomize
