Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Will you blow on my dice?
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
