What did we do last night that was yellow?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
