Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
