Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
