Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Randomize
