So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
