I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
