I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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