i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I have feelings that need drinking.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
