I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
In other news, I just burned my penis
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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