Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
