I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
