i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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