I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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