I looked at my own cervix.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
