I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
only you would photoshop your dick
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
