We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize