I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize