I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
