She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize