The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
