Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize