my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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