I need to stop coming to work sober
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
im on a boat
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