Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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