Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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