Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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