I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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