dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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