I accidentally burped into my bong.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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