There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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