that's an acceptable place to lick
I've blown a few things in my day
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
this hospital has no fireball
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
