Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Randomize