apparently the secret to your success is patron
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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