New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
