This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
