Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
