My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
