ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
