Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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