I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize