Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
i think my cat just said my name.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
