if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
