I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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