Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
