Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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