I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
