nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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