She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize