I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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